Well well well, the invalid’s going back to the doctors to waste even more tax payers money, I’ve been avoiding him for a while but I figure its about time to go back, I have begun self harming again (which I haven’t done for four years), am not eating properly, drinking again (and was doing so well) and am generally painfully self-aware, overtly analytical, cynical, nihilistic ECT ECT BLAH BLAH BLAH, I even bore myself with all this self indulgent bullocks
I think my main worry is that I have become very secretive with my behaviour, even with James, whereas before, at least with him I would say something but now well I only ever seem to be eating for show and even then it doesn’t usually stay in my stomach for too long ( which really is strange for me because I have always had a massive appetite), before people would say I was looking good, now they say I look pale and thin and ask if I’m sick, even my mother ( who is stick thin), keeps trying to give me seconds, maybe I’m paranoid or maybe she’s caught on, but it seems as if she’s pressuring me to eat, even though I purposely eat in front of her, in order to disprove her suspicions
I don’t know if I have a problem or not, circumstance brought on these issues, but it probably would of happened one way or another anyway so I can only blame myself, needless to say I do worry, maybe I should just stop being so self possessed and get on with it, I don’t know, maybe I will go to the doctors appointment tomorrow but in all honestly I probably wont, why waste his time, when people with really problems could have my appointment

Well well well, the invalid’s going back to the doctors to waste even more tax payers money, I’ve been avoiding him for a while but I figure its about time to go back, I have begun self harming again (which I haven’t done for four years), am not eating properly, drinking again (and was doing so well) and am generally painfully self-aware, overtly analytical, cynical, nihilistic ECT ECT BLAH BLAH BLAH, I even bore myself with all this self indulgent bullocks
I think my main worry is that I have become very secretive with my behaviour, even with James, whereas before, at least with him I would say something but now well I only ever seem to be eating for show and even then it doesn’t usually stay in my stomach for too long ( which really is strange for me because I have always had a massive appetite), before people would say I was looking good, now they say I look pale and thin and ask if I’m sick, even my mother ( who is stick thin), keeps trying to give me seconds, maybe I’m paranoid or maybe she’s caught on, but it seems as if she’s pressuring me to eat, even though I purposely eat in front of her, in order to disprove her suspicions
I don’t know if I have a problem or not, circumstance brought on these issues, but it probably would of happened one way or another anyway so I can only blame myself, needless to say I do worry, maybe I should just stop being so self possessed and get on with it, I don’t know, maybe I will go to the doctors appointment tomorrow but in all honestly I probably wont, why waste his time, when people with really problems could have my appointment

ANGRY

Possibly the saddest thing ever but I have just been checking out Katie’s (the person that James pulled after going to her house for 6 hours) my space page and feel better and worse. firstly she’s a dog (apparently I had met her at a party the year before but was too drunk too remember), has infinitely bad taste (favourite music, meatloaf and rod Stewart) and she is obviously delusional (she reckons herself intellectually advanced and yet when asked to list her favourite authors, can only come up with Steven king and this all makes me feel allot better about myself.
She is, in a sentence, every bad teenage cliché personified
But now I really can’t understand what possessed James and am seeing this as a reflection on myself
Never mind, from a name and a little research I know where she works and when, where she drinks, where she lives, where she goes to college, who her friends are and some other details
I probably wouldn’t peruse this if she hadn’t been bombarding James with text and calls (she got his number off someone at a party)

I’m not quite sure, how to use this information yet but I’m working on a plan.
I’m not playing the victim for one more minute, its time to fight fire with fire and she has no idea what she’s unleashed

B.T.W when I’m feeling vengeful I type in clichés

Well that’s the bad news dealt with, on a brighter note things have improved, I got a job, I cleaned my room, been writing a lot and I’m looking respectable
few offers of jobs and free property’s from friends (one in Ireland, one in France) still not eaung properly, drink and smoke to much and have emotionally detached myself from James but one thing at a time, in a sentence I’m coping perhaps not as healthily as some people would but it fells nice to have that defiant, underdog, fighting sprit again, rather than shattering my self esteem I fell like I’m on top form once more, vengeful and manipulative I may be but I know that I have a stronger sense of morality than either of them, so I’m keeping him within my grasp and slowly plotting my revenge
For once the pieces seem to be falling into place